I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
