dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
should my penis look like a turkey
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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