Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
