thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
