i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
