while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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