I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
