i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
