May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
