Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
