I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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