My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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