i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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