he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
