Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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