he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
