Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
