I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
