You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
