If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
