guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
