i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
