Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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