I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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