dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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