i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
