I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
