Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So here I am, sexting at work.
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