the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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