i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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