My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
