i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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