the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
