Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
