I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
