I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
