You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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