Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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