so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
