We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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