i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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