I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
