Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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