good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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