I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
