im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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