I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
