just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
