ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize