My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
