Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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