I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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