Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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