She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
