If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
