$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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