I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
