i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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