Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
