I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
