well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize