you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
we're so committed to being not committed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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