Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
