You just made me feel so damn special
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize