Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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