I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
