Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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