Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
