All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
