Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
