i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
