Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
