woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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